“Don’t prepare the path for your child, prepare your child for the path!”
- Anonymous
I’m holding two things in my hands – a teacup and a rubber ball. What do you think will happen if I drop the ceramic teacup? It’ll break – that much is obvious. But what about the rubber ball? Does it break if I drop it from a height of 5 feet? 10 feet? 20 feet? No, it bounces back, without breaking, every single time. This is what we call Resilience – the ability to bounce back. And today, with no end of the pandemic in sight in India, helping our kids be like that rubber ball is more important than ever.
As parents, we fret about making life easy and perfect for our kids. ‘They shouldn’t have to face the difficulties that I did’ – is an oft heard statement. Yet, allowing children to work through difficult situations on their own is critical to helping them build resilience. Without it, they’re probably living life in a fragile bubble of unicorns and rainbows. They are the teacups.
Maybe resilience was what my parents were trying to teach me every time they refused to intervene in my playground battles. Other uncles and aunties defended their kids all the time. I even remember being jealous back then. But today? I’m glad I went through all those mini battles that helped me prepare for the bigger fights in life.
Children need to build resilience to cope with the uncertainty, and setbacks which will eventually come their way. In an increasingly heterogenous and volatile world, they need to learn how to manage stress, explore painful emotions, and pull themselves back up after failure. “Sitting with uncertainty is one of the most difficult tasks for any human being to do. Learning how to manage it is one of the best skills one can develop to contribute to mental wellness,” said Neha Navsaria, a psychiatry professor at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis and a consultant at the parenting skills site Parent Lab.
But of course, all of this is easier said than done. How does one actually go about it? Is there one uniform approach? – All these are valid questions. To find the answers, I turned to my treasure trove – the parents actively interacting with The Tuppence. And of course, Google. Despite parenting being such a subjective art, all of them said the same things:
Don’t ‘Just Do It’
Covid-19 has turned the world upside down for most children. Without traditional school, extracurricular activities and social lives, they’re at a complete loss as to what to do. Enter the well-meaning, anxious parent. And all of a sudden, these kids have a bouquet of activities to choose from. Stop!
Experts all over the world, and The Tuppence parents, agree that it is important to let children find their own ways to deal with this new reality. If anything, this is a great opportunity for kids to learn how to cope and thrive by themselves. As a parent, you definitely need to offer a sense of safety and security. But maybe, just this week, try letting the young people in your family take the lead on what they want to do. Who knows? You might be in for a pleasant surprise.
Instead, Support
As your children start taking the lead on things, you might see them struggle. “Mom, I don’t feel like doing my homework. What do I do?” The key here is not to answer their question for them, but to let them feel their feelings as they grapple with the question of what to do next. The more that we can support our children, as they face their vulnerable emotions, the more emotionally resilient and confident they will grow up to be.
As a parent, your job is critical. Remind your little ones of the challenges they’ve overcome in the past. And how they are contributing now by staying home. Create a calm environment at home, applaud people from your community who are working to fight Covid-19, and focus on the good that is coming out of this pandemic. Think of yourself not as the wings, but the branch upon which your little bird rests, before taking off in glorious flight.
Talk About Emotions
Managing emotions is a critical life skill. Denise Daniels, a child development expert and creator of The Moodsters (they help kids develop emotional intelligence) agrees - “Being able to recognise, understand and manage one’s emotions is key to resilience.”
Resilience doesn’t mean that everything is hunky-dory. It means noticing and acknowledging that gnawing feeling of dread, fear, anger, or anxiety. Help your child identify these emotions. Tell them it’s OK to feel a certain way.
Why not do a little activity? Sit with your kids, and on little pieces of paper, write down the things that you aren’t able to do, or are upset about, during this lockdown. Put these papers in a jar, and then share how each missing thing makes you feel.
Tell Them They’re Still in Control
The pandemic is nobody’s fault. But it can leave children feeling helpless. Talk about the different ways in which your family is contributing to the fight against Covid-19 – social distancing, staying at home, washing hands frequently, and wearing masks. Children feel more in control when they realise they’re helping solve a problem. They could go one step further and raise money for front-line workers, or donate groceries to those in need.
There are a host of other things that they can control as well – what they do to overcome boredom, whether they want to pick up a new skill or pursue an old hobby, what they want to have for breakfast…the list is endless!
Show Them What You Got
This one is a no brainer. Actions speak louder than words. And children learn through observation, not lectures. Demonstrate how you face challenges head-on and use different coping mechanisms like meditation, yoga, making art, writing a diary, or speaking with loved ones. Your child will soon start imitating your behaviour.
This is also how you can model health self-care habits – eating a well-balanced diet, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and not abusing alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs.
To Wrap It Up…
Normalcy is a long way off. And while we spend our days in fear and anxiety, the true cost of the pandemic is still unknown. Keep the resilience dialogue open – maybe read books with a message of perseverance and resilience, along with your child.
Most of us know PTSD – Prost Traumatic Stress Disorder. But there is also something called ‘Post Traumatic Growth’. It refers to the positive growth that comes after a period of psychological struggle and adversity. As you help your child navigate this pandemic, you’ll see them getting better at keeping themselves busy, playing independently, and adapting to change. And even though I don’t like how the words ‘New Normal’ are bandied about – these new skills will certainly help them cope better with it. You’ll end up raising a resilient rubber ball!
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